TO MY FUTURE HUSBAND: Leave Not!

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Hello, boo. . .

It’s me — your significantly better other — again at that time of the week where I convey my loving thoughts to you in missile missive form. I have some thoughts I’d like to throw your way and, by ‘thoughts’, I refer to wholly democratic decisions taken solely by me, with me, and for me.

Ready? 🤷‍♀️

Today, I think we need to go over a subject that has been weighing on my mind: desertion. In this letter, I’ll outline all the ways in which you are allowed to exit our marriage, as well as all the ways by which you might consider leaving, and why such a move could be problematic for us both.

I’m sure your first recourse when any major issue arises would be divorce — and, yes, that could be a definite route out — but darling dear, remember your vows? 🤔

Until death do us part (even that won’t be strong enough to split us, as you’d soon understand), you said, and you’d do well to live out – even outlive — those weighty words. I certainly won’t be a party, willing or unwilling, to divorce; no, I refuse to entertain the thought at all. There is absolutely no way out of this life sentence, even if you wanted to force one. If you ever attempted to, I would not be held culpable for whatever happens afterwards — and I mean that in the most loving way. 😍

Now, I’m sure you’re thinking “well, then, I’ll just have to up and leave unannounced.” Sure, you could, but not if you know what’s good for you. I will always find you and, while I’m not about to disclose my methods here so you can work your way around them, just know — and I say this with absolute certainty — that I can and will always track you down quite simply, sweetheart.

I imagine, at this point, that you’re beginning to come to the conclusion that your only way out is death. Touché — but not if I can control it (and, oh, I do plan to), in which case you’d have a never-dying problem on your hands.

And guess what, love? 💁‍♀️

You’re not allowed to die before me either, because I will resuscitate you to within an inch of your life even if you’re almost over the line. Every. Single. Time.

Really, then, if you think death — or anything else — is going to separate us at all, you have another thing coming. Just come to terms with the fact that for life forever is truly forever, and we’ll be on the same page.

We’re not done here, of course, as there’s even more coming your way next week. Till then. . .

Your wife-in-hell-waiting,

Nadia 😘

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